It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
