Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
NoShamevember. You game?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
