If i come over, it means nothing
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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