If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
