i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
