I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
