I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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