Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
