I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
