Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
