True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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