i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
