i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
