There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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