Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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