She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
