He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
