I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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