You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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