someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
