What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
