I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
