I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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