It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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