his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
