you told grandpa to call you daddy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
