Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
