last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
