I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Less talking, more tequila
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
