The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
