that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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