I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
