Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
