You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
