3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
