Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
