This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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