I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
