I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
