I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
