He asked to "fluff my boner.."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A+ Viking dick
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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