apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
