Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
