Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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