i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This is the high leading the old right now
Boobs are out for the taking
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
