I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
