Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
