New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The ass gains better be worth it
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