I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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