Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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