I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
