I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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