You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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