don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
