how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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