I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
