So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
