There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
