I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
